so-pines

Your friends can tell you that you are being played but in the back of your mind you secretly hold tightly to the idea that maybe if you just give it time… Well in my short time in Southern Pines I have been successfully played by a cute 32 year old woman. She is a lot of what I want and only a little of what I fear I don’t want; but none the less, I have pursued and dealt with rejection and a hesitant acceptance, only to find that it has been conditional. She is using me for some type of social interaction, or just for conversation, or maybe she does like me and just hasn’t realized it. But that is the very notion that continues to allow her to play me. She has already made up her mind. She has already in her mind moved forward but allows this farce to continue as long as it doesn’t interrupt her schedule. Damn do my failures continue to haunt me. The failures of Colorado opened the door to a new way to live that would have I assume, allowed me to live within the normalcy of humanity. That I would be able to feel love and passion and true concern for others. Well I now can, and I do not like the feeling. I do not enjoy the constant needs that it inspires within me. I am wasting space and time on a dead end. The only sad thing is I feel comfortable around the girl, I feel content, I feel that I could give the relationship a chance, and here I am constantly reminded that she will not even think about it. Ah fuck it, I do not have time for this shit and I will move on, I will hopefully regain my composure. I will regain the initiative and move forward or in this case backwards toward what I used to hold has my shining shield in the face of all odds. I must rebuild the walls that have been torn down over the course of time.

Something i should have never written (sorry!)

At a bar tonight talking to the local Alexandria regulars, I was confronted with my past. A girl that I would have laid down in front of traffic for, a woman I would have given up anything for to make her life right, smiled and waved me over. I went knowing that there was no good to be gained from this exchange, and hoped that our conversation would stay in the past, no matter how much I wanted to hear her lash out for the singular event that destroyed my only true friends love for me. Though I broke down and gave in some, I at least never apologized. It was her birthday and her ex continued to buy us drinks even as he realized that he had long out lived his usefulness in the conversation. His final departure marked the beginning of her drunken tirade against my person. Though I too feel that I have plenty to be mad about with her, I feel nothing. No serious emotional response at all was really available, if I had been able to respond I think if it was four years ago I would have felt something like this….

I could never tell you that I was furious with you. That you abandoned me when I needed you most. That I was at the point in my life for the second time where I would either be alone and start all over, or that the friends that I had would come and take me away. Yes, it sounds fairytale and ideological but damn it I had sacrificed so much for those friends. I had given up so much for their benefit and I was in need. Not only was I in need then but within a year I would be deployed and the first time in my life I would need my friends, and I had none except those I took with me. I was alone as I thought I had always been. That I had put so much into relationships that in the end proved to be fruitless, a reinforcement of my own self doubts, brought to life by the actions of the very people that said they loved me. Fuck them, fuck them then and fuck them all the way to now. Somewhere between there and here, the mask that I wore became real and they no longer mattered to me. How dare they presume that they know what was in my mind, how dare they presume with out asking how I felt. Well at the time fuck them, they say they feel sorry for me; I don’t want their pity. They hope that I have changed, well knowing the choice I made at the time; I know that I haven’t and am proud of it. As I sat down to write how I felt, thinking that I had so much emotion pent up and could write for hours on the exchange, it turns out that as I have trained myself to be, it meant nothing. I have felt almost nothing in the process of the night. I don’t even hope or wish for her. Then with a smile I think maybe I have become what she must have thought I was then.

It is funny, I have never apologized for that week of my life that caused my two best friends to stop talking to me. One for somewhat justifiable reasons, the other for no reason at all. It is a shame that I group them together, but they are not. They are completely different. One, was incredibly angry at my misinterpretation of the situation and my unwillingness to sacrifice for her on some small scale. It is funny that the small stuff will kill you. I would have given up my life for her, yet the three hours it would have taken to get her where she wanted to go and back, I couldn’t do. Obligations are funny that way, that when the small stuff cant out weigh the other stuff you will sacrifice. Yet had it not been that small, had it been a crunch or something more significant, I would have done anything. The other being so much more complicated but I will say that I have never been disloyal. I have never betrayed. And if she did not do that, then well I am completely wrong but that is how it felt. A girl that I loved and loved and loved hit just the right button. Its funny as well that most buttons can be ignored or argued about, but he combination of buttons that she choose, knocked me out. And that was it, I had been left alone again surrounded by what should have been my best friends. So, tonight I had the opportunity to say how furious I was with one of them and I couldn’t. She had been drinking and was again telling me how I should live and be so that I could grow and all of the abstract things that would make me a better person, when she looked at me and said, you know you have never apologized. My response was calm and soft, no, I have never apologized. Her response was what are you looking for from me, and in the same voice I responded, nothing, nothing at all. With a smile I tried to tell her happy birthday but it was lost as she came to grips with what she must have seen in my eyes.

I should not post this

I have found that the demons that I once thought conquered are still there waiting for me to slip. The same dark nights that used to haunt my nights are finally returning to haunt my days. Where has the resolve, the strength, the steadfastness that was my very trademark gone. Where will the life choices take me.

Haha almost eight months to the day I wrote a passage about a girl. Well I think it is about time to write another. This one is so different from anything I have tried before, and I am not sure what to do. I am just not sure. And it hurts to know that she might be absolutely sure and it is me that is screwing with her. The peace of the mountain air descends from the slopes down to my very balcony, breathing deep. Where will it go. So the girl, well for the first time in my life I am calm while I am around the girl, but the price I pay is domesticity, I am now staying in and running out of things to do as she does not share with me the same desires for drugs, sex, and rock and roll, a horribly missed used quote but the only way to describe her complete lack of a desire for a night life at all. (I write this knowing how shallow it sounds, but it is just the outward display of some inherent difference, the difference being some level of content that i am incapable of sharing.) Leaving me with the sense of missing out, of an incompleteness, yet at the same time when I am around her I do not desire any of those things that in the past would have had me moving so fast. I desire to go back to war, I desire to have an impact on the world or at least to have greater control and power than what I have now. I must harness all the energies that I have to continue down those paths, and how do you ask another to join you on paths that are and must be completely yours alone.

What scares me the most is that I will miss an opportunity for happiness and completeness because of my very fears. Because of all the training and conditioning that I have set in place just to survive will not allow me to feel the nessesary emotions that it will take to keep her. I am not quite certain which way it will end up but in the end I will be forced to make the decition and act it out in a manner that will be weak and childish to the nth degree.

Girls (November 2005)

To say I have no clue would be an absolute lie, after 20 some odd years I know exactly what I look for in a woman, the hard part is to put it to pen. Fun and excited, free and stable, a strong sense of independence, a brain to match the look, a self-made concept of virtue and honor, classy with a wild side, and the strength to smile against all odds. Not asking for much, eh. Well there is an easier list to make, the one of issues that has turned me away from a person. Whether it was because they were too clingy or needy, or to bitter and angry, or tried to turn me into a personal project of salvation, they taught me to recognize the small things that would be for sure a deal breaker. haha. Am I supposed to include physical features like our profile collects, well I am athletic I would like an athletic person; well there is the statement of the day.