Welcome to DC

A life of disordered thoughts in backlash from that of a disordered mind. Oh, how the Buddhist priests in New York are screaming, their lessons slowly erased from my mind as i struggle to move against the rising surf. Fear, frustration, anger, the natural progression from passive to aggressive in response. Each stage taking a clear measure of my capabilities and thoughts. The worlds own disorder has finally permeated through what i had unfortunately assumed was an impenetrable wall of self justification and purpose.

The DC area has taken its toll on my intellectual faculties. Knowing as a fact, of both education and experience, that the decisions made within the belt-way have direct impact on the rest of the world; unfortunately left me blind to the decision making process itself. Now living with in the confines of the center of world politics in both study and application; i find myself more afraid now than i did when pursuing military aims in foreign lands. 'Leader of the Free World' is my most favorite title placed on the Executive Branch's head. The implications of what this mean are so astounding that the world should have thought long and hard before this became vernacular, and before we unassumingly accepted. Titles and definitions, phrases and statements, legal and political, professional language is a necessity in the world at large to ensure the quality of goods. We should have known that a title explicitly implies compliance and acceptance of the role. So here is the rub, a nation based on laws, formed and executed by the dictates of the Constitution, has no strict or loose interpretation, implied or enumerated dictates of how to fulfill this new found roll. In fact the basic framework of a state for, of, and by the people was designed to never allow the fulfillment of this roll. Checks and balances and the idea that we just wanted to be left alone to trade with whom ever choose, laid the groundwork for an executive branch with almost no capabilities to lead the whole of the country let alone a host of nations.

This rant of governmental capabilities is my lesson learned as i now get a front row seat in watching the fall from grace of the American Statesmen, the politicization of the military, the end game justification in political maneuvering. At first i became afraid finding that this was the process that has sacrificed numerous lives on the alter of national interests, an alter that i stepped up to more than once and rested my hands upon. From fear, to frustration that there was no way that i could impact this process in a manner that would change anything more different than a butterfly landing on a tank. Frustration turning to anger in the realization that the best course is to maintain my position as an executer of policy, that our wrongs are the lesser of wrongs; even though i will loose my soul when i am no longer able to explain to others why i have laid another body upon our self built alter. Anger that the argument of the bureaucrats, will become mine, that the game must be played until you can make a difference. That to leave may do more harm than good, that my obligations have trapped me to this irreverent course. Anger of having to chew on pride, under the name 'good faith;' anger at the disappointment i feel to those whom the people of America have elected to lead them, not just to pander to them. Anger, that the voices that are heard are in no position to comment, and the voices that are hidden from the masses are the ones that should be discussed and listened to attentively.

So, i sit again at night in front of a computer, reading the emails from friends around the globe. They talk in clear, black and white statements of successes and failures according to measurements. Then they discuss in theory reasons and options, capabilities and intentions, reaching out to those who might posses an insight that will help them take another step forward. Theirs is a life that is content with the execution of policy, with out the entangling process of making the policy. For them and me, it is not the policy or justification, but how we get to the justification, the process. And here in this city of marble monuments dedicated to those whom have lead the unleadable through every hardship imaginable, i have found a body of politic incapable of leading.