Without measurement (January 2005)

I thought that I was tough. I knew that I was strong. There was nothing that could stop me, yet now I sit here in full kit with loaded weapon writing these words knowing that at any moment tears will come to my eyes, if only for a second, but I know that they are there. Every day passes I wait for the point in the day that someone will let me know that another friend, comrade in arms, brother will have died. I will see the death in my mind a thousand times before it becomes my death, then and only then do I become weak. So, the strength of the individual is a perpetual test of courage and resiliency that has no measurement. I do not know how this reaction is reflected to my peers and brothers. They say that I have changed the least. Well I can tell them that I have changed more than they will ever know, yet that can only mean that they too are experiencing the pain that floats through the air waiting for you to breath it in, hell some choke on it. We have sent people home now for suicide attempts, is that the loosing side, are those the weak ones. Where do I fall on this scale that cannot be measured. I read a story today about my hero, not Patton nor Eisenhower, rather Jimmy Buffet and his adventures. There is a man in pure paradise I would like to learn that it is not true and that it is only a myth because I have missed the boat. I am twenty-four and I have yet to taste the true love of another held in my arms, yet I have, only to watch him die from loss of blood. It is true, there are great tests for all men but being great is not something that is limited to a few. I have found now that plenty are great, plenty are strong, plenty are heroes, but it is the moment and the circumstances that will give them their greatness. I am a rich man, a hero, a leader, and great warrior, yet at the same time you must say that I am dead. For every time that I take myself outside the wire I am killing another part of myself. I am living on borrowed time. Roll the dice and find out today weather it is you or your friend. Well if the wheel was fixed I think I would still take the chance, if you are treading on thin ice I know that I have danced.