Friday, March 16, 2007

The Class Room

Yesterday I sat in class and watched my hand start to shake… it has been almost a year since the last time I displayed any visible signs...

Had Dr. Hanle known that I might have issues with the class, he probably would have warned me of the content. Yet as strange as it was, I listened to the start of the class discussion and I could see where we were going, yet it was still the same as a surprise on my system when the nature of killing was being discussed in a room of people that had never done it.

“Men like to kill, violence is gratifying and empowering, murderers intoxicated by their deeds…”

Slides go by on the wall, a PowerPoint gallery of children and terrorists. The depiction of change that would bring a pee-wee soccer kid into the ranks of suicide bombers. Others in the class raise their hands and through out comments that I do not hear. The discussion is not wrong, it is merely academic, and the Doctors points are sound psychology. All I can do is hide my hand under my desk so that others wont notice, or more accurately so that I don’t have to notice. I do not have issues with what I have done. I have put to rest any of my concerns and regrets about situations that have occurred in my life. And the class moves on.

“As men draw… near it becomes extremely difficult to deny their humanity. Looking into a man’s face, seeing his eyes and his fear, eliminate denial. At this range the interpersonal nature of the killing has shifted. Instead of shooting at a uniform and killing a generalized enemy, now the killer must shoot at a person and kill a specific individual. Most simply cannot or will not do it.”

The visions and the memories come back to me. Oh the irony of the last sentence on this slide. The look of disgust on a Marine officers face when she hears the statistics of soldiers willing to fire their weapons at an enemy. Then the failure to understand the very nature of the training that has managed to raise those statistics from WWII levels of less than half to today at near 90%. The Air Force logisticians scoffing comments when he asks why wont they kill an enemy that they know is trying to kill you. I have never wanted to raise my voice more in my life and ask, had they ever looked into the eyes of a dying man… if the answer is no then sit down.

“With very few exceptions, everyone associated with killing in combat reaps a bitter harvest of guilt.”

Now this slide brings many more questions than I would have thought possible. My hand is shaking in the perfect understanding of what this slide means, and others are questioning the validity of the very statement. Anger rises to the surface and the only noticeable sign of my displeasure is that my hand has stopped shaking completely. Anger to calm the nerves, followed by some notes hastily scribbled on the handouts. Notes about my reaction to the statements on each slide, within minutes blacked out with marker, for fear that some other might read them and judge me.

I guess it is the judgment of others that keeps us quiet. Or is it the judgment that we have already passed on ourselves. You know that the actions that you have done in your life are wrong. And that their acceptability is based on circumstances alone. Years of second-guessing and reworking an incident until you can put it to rest. The real fear is that someone else might have a different assessment than the one you have chosen to live with.

Sunday, March 4, 2007

Without measurement (January 2005)


I thought that I was tough. I knew that I was strong. There was nothing that could stop me, yet now I sit here in full kit with loaded weapon writing these words knowing that at any moment tears will come to my eyes, if only for a second, but I know that they are there. Every day passes I wait for the point in the day that someone will let me know that another friend, comrade in arms, brother will have died. I will see the death in my mind a thousand times before it becomes my death, then and only then do I become weak. So, the strength of the individual is a perpetual test of courage and resiliency that has no measurement. I do not know how this reaction is reflected to my peers and brothers. They say that I have changed the least. Well I can tell them that I have changed more than they will ever know, yet that can only mean that they too are experiencing the pain that floats through the air waiting for you to breath it in, hell some choke on it. We have sent people home now for suicide attempts, is that the loosing side, are those the weak ones. Where do I fall on this scale that cannot be measured. I read a story today about my hero, not Patton nor Eisenhower, rather Jimmy Buffet and his adventures. There is a man in pure paradise I would like to learn that it is not true and that it is only a myth because I have missed the boat. I am twenty-four and I have yet to taste the true love of another held in my arms, yet I have, only to watch him die from loss of blood. It is true, there are great tests for all men but being great is not something that is limited to a few. I have found now that plenty are great, plenty are strong, plenty are heroes, but it is the moment and the circumstances that will give them their greatness. I am a rich man, a hero, a leader, and great warrior, yet at the same time you must say that I am dead. For every time that I take myself outside the wire I am killing another part of myself. I am living on borrowed time. Roll the dice and find out today weather it is you or your friend. Well if the wheel was fixed I think I would still take the chance, if you are treading on thin ice I know that I have danced.

Letter to the Legislature

To the Honorable Senators and Congressmen of the United States of America,

Our founding fathers struggle in the misbegotten event that has transform the world is now on the precipice that will either enter in the American slow decline and fall from preeminence; or the rise, not of the last super power, but, of the rightful leader of the free world. Any status quo will bind us to the first no different that standing on Hadrian’s Wall, we will have failed, the price of our power measured and filled.

Unfortunately for us, our forefathers in all of their wisdom never wished or dreamt of a world where the United States would be hailed as the “great savior,” nor as the “great Satan.” Let alone the title of the executive becoming “the leader of the free world.” Never would the possibility of competing with France or England as a hegemony, let alone dominating over Europe in the world community have crossed their minds.

Well for 50 years we have grasped these titles as they have been handed to us. The lessons of both Great Wars constantly echoing in our psyche, proving the fallacy of isolationism, have ensured our involvement in the world. So freely, and with such hope, we joined the world; in no small fashion we led it. We reshaped the world, rebuilt the European landscape and added one hundred more democracies to the stage. We altered the world with a healthy mix of altruistic interest based needs and a general benevolent good will. Our intentions grand, the desire to share our inalienable rights that life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness were universal.

As our great enemy crumbled into mediocrity, plagued by every diseases of a crippled empire, transforming into a democracy. We have seemed to have a relapse in thought. The peace dividend has become the sale of our very soul. And we have shirked away from our worldly responsibilities under some false pretense that American interests can be affected only at home and that the world has a different set of unalienable rights, this is a fare cry from the Cold War slogan of democracy for everyone.

Why would I give this simplified narrative of American influence and responsibility? Well because I see the door we are crossing through, I see the interconnected globalized world, I see offshoring and energy issues, I see Africa sucking in its last breath, and the Middle East floundering and incapable of stability and market, I see the quiet rise of china buying real-estate from the Caribbean to the central African states. I see the painful struggle of Russia to regain a foothold of influence, I see the need for a great American leader to once again push the world forward.

Leadership is not pandering or committee it is the forceful will over the begrudging complaints of the led. It is both inspiring and insightful, but at the same time acts without hesitation and carries people forward with a stick if need be.

Ask any high school football coach what he does when the player don’t want to play because it is tough or wet and cold. America needs to stand up and tell congress what they want from their leadership. Then elect the man or woman best capable of carrying it out, then shut up. I am not talking strategy or operations, and definitely not tactics… but grand strategy. Decide how much influence we want to have in the world, and then allow the experts to execute. The American people should have no say in staying or leaving Iraq, they should have all the say in the world over whether they would like a president that will lead the international community or let it go, as long as they know the cost of both. Either lead the world forward into globalization and the future, forever securing our interests abroad and at home or let slip the control of destiny and enjoy the slow acquiescence of our preeminence and let go of whatever control we may have of our interests abroad and focus on the home front, dooming us to decline. Either way we must allow our leaders to lead. The first choice will force the future leaders of America to fundamentally change the way our legislative, executive and judicial branches interact with each other. Or we will just maintain the status quo.

Allow our leaders to do their job… now show me a leader. Show me a man willing to take the steps necessary to achieve a future that is better than today. Now is the time and opportunity for the next George C. Marshall, now is the time for the next Franklin Roosevelt. Now is the time for great leaders to immerge and create the future that they envision

I beg of you, our nations elected officials who have at least gained the vote of the people, do what is right. Either engage the world in a unified voice of commitment or leave the world alone, because we are doing more harm than good with what the rest of the world sees as complete incompetence. As I breath air right now, I am not concerned about anything more than 100 hears because I know that even if we choose not to lead the world into the future my grand children will still live a life that is relatively superior to anywhere else on the earth, however if I cared about the future of the world and humanity and if life everywhere is to improve then it will require a leader from the only country left on the earth capable of carrying out the works that we currently perform every day.

Where have all the leaders gone, all that I see on TV is the petty politics that have constituted only the notion of winning. Maybe they do get it and their problem is that they can’t sell it to the American people. The politics of the day is to do two things, making you afraid of it and telling you who's to blame for it. “That, ladies and gentlemen, is how you win elections. You gather a group of middle-aged, middle-class, middle-income voters who remember with longing an easier time, and you talk to them about family and American values and character.” Or in the case of today you tell them that their children are dying for a cause that is someone else’s fault. Their share of the blame is prefaced with the quote “if… I knew then what I know now.” As an Infantry officer I would have been fired a dozen times, not for the mistakes of my past but for the excuses of the present.

This is my concern, this is my fear, and this is my anger. This is the fallacy of a system that even when our leaders want to do what’s right they cannot. That even if they see a better answer, if it is not absolutely perfect it will not stand up to the fight for the status quo. Working with the notion that you must use the system to change it; so they grow good at getting what they want and never achieve the dominance required to fix anything. They are trapped in the pre war Europe balance of power struggle that ended in ultimate failure.

I want to look at a leader and be inspired. I want to hear the voice of reason, I want to hear the voice of someone who can sell me a future worth fighting for and then execute it. I want governance that does not pander to the mob but dictates to the mob from some position of educated wisdom and enlightenment. Show me a warrior statesman, show me a philosopher businessman, and give me someone with experience and capability and a mind. Some one that is not afraid to go against the grain and not get elected, and I would make him king.

Thank you for your time

In the service of the United States of America.