Response

ironic that you write about his expressive and vivid use of color when in the end there was a darkness that overtook him.So it seems that he had two (maybe more) personalities - one that his fiance related to and loved, the same (possibly) that you related to, and another that only he understood.Out of curiosity, and as an observation to your writings, do you ever feel you relate in the aspect that you are living your life but growing in ways that others think they relate, but you personally realize (and may not vocalize) that they dont fully connect with you? Is your blogging a stream of conscience or a way of vocalizing these observances or maybe I am way off.

First and foremost, who are you? And second, you are probably closer than I would like to admit to. Not that I have any problems with no longer fully relating to any of those that I have connections with. But the unfortunate reality of that statement, is that I would rather it said that they no longer fully relate to me. That they are the ones that have changed. I know it is almost semantics and has no logical flow but then again emotions rarely play solely on the physical and almost always push the metaphysical. So I am afraid maybe that any sort of acquiesce to where the writing comes from. I would like to think it is both a stream of conscience and a way to vocalize that which I cannot express through oration. The world as it is to me today is filled with impossible amounts of mystery and wonder, and as each of us must find their grove and niche, so must I. The rub is that I do not know where mine is, and I am awash in possibilities. As for my friend, I am sure that I related to his personality in its entirety. It is true that all humans are plagued with internal strife, and it is not shared equally nor dealt with equally. My friend had way too many demons and not enough strength to fight them. I related to that part of his existence. I shared with him the same amount of demons, yet I was able to overcome. For those that are as haunted as he was, you never really win you can only place at bay and build walls. Very rarely can you make them go away. At best you use those demons for your own strength and personal exploration. We commiserated and shared what was unspeakable. I survived; I beat back the horrors that he allowed to become reality. I was just as prepared as he was, I was just more capable. That is why his death haunts me more than any other I have felt before. It is as if I was running a mile long race. That I am in a pack of men sprinting around a track fighting the clock. This is not a race to see who is faster than the other; it is a race to see if you are faster than a set time. The penalty for not making it is death. To know that you crossed the line and your friend did not is a harsh reminder that all men are not created equal. To add insult to injury, the type of life that I lead now, places me around men that give no respect to weakness of any kind. And his type of death is the paramount of weakness by their definition. The taunts and jokes thrown around about those that cannot make it in this world hurt every time I hear them. And I am a part of this crowd. I was forced with his death to remind myself of where I came from, from what impossible odds I thought I faced at the time to now. That I had forgot that and enjoyed a self gratifying existence where I could sit firmly among the top of the food chain and look down at those near the bottom. So, I can say with certainty that I am comfortable around death. I have lived times that others are already saying are best forgotten. And just when I can square with the truth I am reminded of my own failures and my beginnings. I can only hope that one day I will have proven my worth…

Physics

Stand up and embrace the world as it exists in front of you. Embrace the very passion that is the grand unification theory of Einstein contemporaries. Oh life, oh rub of life, step through the veiled friction that is breath, and inhale deeply from the pool of humanity that stretches out before us across the vast fields. No more shall you hide in shame and some self loathing hierocracy that will haunt your days and plague your nights. Oh, green fields of grass and leaves forever reaching for the sunshine that comes and goes along its path around the earth. Forget the torrent of carpe diem, step free of the saints of the church, leave our days alone, forget the glory of the sun, and instead embrace life, embrace passion, embrace our very being, reveal within our own humanity, find enjoyment in our blood, leave the crutches of the church, the counselors of the drugs, to other lesser people and step free of the constraints imposed on us by the world from which we demand so much from and from which demands so much from us. Fight against the dying of the light, just rage.

Lay down the powers of persuasion at your command and fight hard against the dying of the light, aim low among the stars and fly on towards the morning. Let go of the allusions that plague our daily life and embrace the uncertainty that is the very nature of the universe that we grow through and in.

Oh me, oh life, oh for the stars that have stared right back down upon me and others like me. For every time that god has looked in envy at my pain and my exuberance. It is time to take a new stock on my position. It is unfortunate that I need these monthly reminders of priorities, that my own compass has a built in error that continues to allow me to drift hard with the current that I must fight. I write down so much more than others will ever see so that I might be reminded of the pains and pleasures felt at any given moment. A constant reminder I have found is necessary to ensure that time does not shade over and cover the very problems that you faced before. It is amazing that the fourth dimension can solve almost anything if you allow it to work its magic long enough

Oh, me, oh life. These are the words of the immortal author who through diction painted a world that is too real, so solid and stable for anyone who has tried to live within its confines. Who subjugated themselves to the laws of the universe.