ironic that you write about his expressive and vivid use of color when in the end there was a darkness that overtook him.So it seems that he had two (maybe more) personalities - one that his fiance related to and loved, the same (possibly) that you related to, and another that only he understood.Out of curiosity, and as an observation to your writings, do you ever feel you relate in the aspect that you are living your life but growing in ways that others think they relate, but you personally realize (and may not vocalize) that they dont fully connect with you? Is your blogging a stream of conscience or a way of vocalizing these observances or maybe I am way off.
First and foremost, who are you? And second, you are probably closer than I would like to admit to. Not that I have any problems with no longer fully relating to any of those that I have connections with. But the unfortunate reality of that statement, is that I would rather it said that they no longer fully relate to me. That they are the ones that have changed. I know it is almost semantics and has no logical flow but then again emotions rarely play solely on the physical and almost always push the metaphysical. So I am afraid maybe that any sort of acquiesce to where the writing comes from. I would like to think it is both a stream of conscience and a way to vocalize that which I cannot express through oration. The world as it is to me today is filled with impossible amounts of mystery and wonder, and as each of us must find their grove and niche, so must I. The rub is that I do not know where mine is, and I am awash in possibilities. As for my friend, I am sure that I related to his personality in its entirety. It is true that all humans are plagued with internal strife, and it is not shared equally nor dealt with equally. My friend had way too many demons and not enough strength to fight them. I related to that part of his existence. I shared with him the same amount of demons, yet I was able to overcome. For those that are as haunted as he was, you never really win you can only place at bay and build walls. Very rarely can you make them go away. At best you use those demons for your own strength and personal exploration. We commiserated and shared what was unspeakable. I survived; I beat back the horrors that he allowed to become reality. I was just as prepared as he was, I was just more capable. That is why his death haunts me more than any other I have felt before. It is as if I was running a mile long race. That I am in a pack of men sprinting around a track fighting the clock. This is not a race to see who is faster than the other; it is a race to see if you are faster than a set time. The penalty for not making it is death. To know that you crossed the line and your friend did not is a harsh reminder that all men are not created equal. To add insult to injury, the type of life that I lead now, places me around men that give no respect to weakness of any kind. And his type of death is the paramount of weakness by their definition. The taunts and jokes thrown around about those that cannot make it in this world hurt every time I hear them. And I am a part of this crowd. I was forced with his death to remind myself of where I came from, from what impossible odds I thought I faced at the time to now. That I had forgot that and enjoyed a self gratifying existence where I could sit firmly among the top of the food chain and look down at those near the bottom. So, I can say with certainty that I am comfortable around death. I have lived times that others are already saying are best forgotten. And just when I can square with the truth I am reminded of my own failures and my beginnings. I can only hope that one day I will have proven my worth…
An uncrowned prince of disorder. Undisciplined and unrefined in craft, these are but the musing of one individual left to his own devices.
almost ...
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1 comment:
I wondered if you would comment further as it seemed I had stuck a cord of thought….
I truly believe everything happens for a reason. Every moment, person we meet, happiness, conflict, all come and go in our lives at moments both welcomed and not but ultimately always for a lesson and reason.
Messages can first be sent as whispers and eventually turn into boulders if it seems we have not learned what is expected. I do believe in God. I believe he has me where I am meant to be, and will continue to guide as he sees my life should go. I make choices that I believe are my own but often find in reflection that it is all part of a bigger picture.
My friend has a magnet on her fridge that says “In the end it will get better. If it’s not better, it’s not the end.”
I think that also goes along with the saying, what doesn’t kill us, make us stronger.
I can see both perspectives in your writing. I understand your relation to your friend’s suffering and inability to overcome it. I also know what is meant by your associates about the weakness of his character. It is my belief that you do have control of your life. But at the same time, I believe that there is a greater being that puts little reminders in our daily lives that lead us where we are to go, and to take what we have learned. And from those lessons, it builds and creates our character.
You could say, I’m in the military I was sent to a warzone, I had no control over what I saw or learned on the battlefield. No you didn’t. But there is a reason that it was You where you were at any given moment and not another comrade. Does that make sense? So yes, there are outside influences that will affect and direct your course of life, but ultimately there are still reasons for it all happening. So your friend saw what he saw, lived thru what he did all for a reason. And saying it was the demons inside makes it all the more relative (for me, at least) because it is saying he went to the dark side, instead of putting his faith in the greater being of good.
There is the argument, of not believing in a god. Then it is as you say, and handling the demons, keeping them at bay. The mind has more power than we know.
The average person could not handle what you or he saw or experienced. The average person is really embodied by the idea that ignorance is bliss. We live in a “me” society – it’s all about me, what are YOU going to do for ME, get out of My way, I I I me me me. If it doesn’t affect them, they really don’t care to think about it. And if they don’t understand, they won’t try to either. The easiest way to understand is to come up with a simple solution. In this case it’s a weakness of character. And again, this relates to how you feel the people you know, no longer know you. Consciously or not, they want You to change and relate to them, not vice versa.
Failures and new beginnings…with every winter comes spring…darkness to light…there is a reason it all happens
Who are you trying to prove your worth? Yourself? Family? The people that you feel no longer relate to you?
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