Wednesday, August 27, 2008

so-pines

Your friends can tell you that you are being played but in the back of your mind you secretly hold tightly to the idea that maybe if you just give it time… Well in my short time in Southern Pines I have been successfully played by a cute 32 year old woman. She is a lot of what I want and only a little of what I fear I don’t want; but none the less, I have pursued and dealt with rejection and a hesitant acceptance, only to find that it has been conditional. She is using me for some type of social interaction, or just for conversation, or maybe she does like me and just hasn’t realized it. But that is the very notion that continues to allow her to play me. She has already made up her mind. She has already in her mind moved forward but allows this farce to continue as long as it doesn’t interrupt her schedule. Damn do my failures continue to haunt me. The failures of Colorado opened the door to a new way to live that would have I assume, allowed me to live within the normalcy of humanity. That I would be able to feel love and passion and true concern for others. Well I now can, and I do not like the feeling. I do not enjoy the constant needs that it inspires within me. I am wasting space and time on a dead end. The only sad thing is I feel comfortable around the girl, I feel content, I feel that I could give the relationship a chance, and here I am constantly reminded that she will not even think about it. Ah fuck it, I do not have time for this shit and I will move on, I will hopefully regain my composure. I will regain the initiative and move forward or in this case backwards toward what I used to hold has my shining shield in the face of all odds. I must rebuild the walls that have been torn down over the course of time.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Reading your other posts particularly the ones categorized under ‘girls’ reminds me of a line in a movie I just saw… You don’t find love, it finds you. And the character went on to explain that it finds you when you are ready, so it’s not a matter of finding the right type of person but rather the person who you are with at THAT time becomes your love.

I think that statement holds water but I have not witnessed it firsthand. I have had moments where I thought I found love, but looking back I realize it was only a small part in the larger picture that forms my life. A realization that God has a plan for me, and everyone I encounter and every moment has a reason, some more significant than others.

But why does opening our hearts sometimes cover the red flags waving in our face?
I think as the movie was trying to say, when two people are together at THAT moment, you won’t be misled. You’re on the right track, and So.Pines girl may just be a stepping stone to greatness.