Cold

I am so lost.. Buried emotions clawing their way to the surface through self imposed barricades and walls while I watch the snow swirling around in the fridged cold that frosts up against my windows. Family, friends, all disappearing in a mass of whiteness that can blind the very heart from the emotions that it should bring. The season of good cheer and tidings, the celebrations of a man that died over two thousand years ago, all lost on me. I must be blind, for no man can walk this alone in a world with so many people. How many years of self-imposed conditioning did it take to imprison myself with these blinders? How can one drink from the river of life and never taste the joy of the living. I look around me at the local pub for some small reflection of my life and yet I find none, it is as if I am merely a spectator in the great cosmic play. Yet there is a serene beauty that comes with this detachment, the serenity of the snow as it falls slowly to my out stretched hand, glistening and pure. There is impartialness to my judgment of absolutes that can only come with this conditioned detachment. Where is the great awaking promised to me by my forefathers. Where is greatness and heroics of a person’s interaction with the world. Where does the sea end and the land begin. As I stumble through this life of mine I have recently been left with the eerie feeling of being separated in the woods at night from the man in front of me, and knowing that I should run blindly forward in hopes of catching him, yet instead I just stand their and let the night close in around me knowing that to run is dangerous.